Designated Driver
by generalzoi
Summary: Drunk Ruffnut and drunk Toothless try their level best to annoy Astrid to death.


"Are you sure you two will be okay?"

"Yes, for the hundredth time, I'm sure," Astrid said, rolling her eyes. "We'll be fine."

Hiccup nodded, although he didn't look convinced. "I mean, I'd come with you, but I'm really trying to finish this harness -- "

" -- before you forget anything from that little inspirational burst you had, yes, I know. Contrary to what you may have seen, Ruffnut and I can moderate ourselves when we need to."

Hiccup's eyebrow shot up, and Astrid felt defensive. "Well we can," she huffed.

"No, no, I believe you," Hiccup said quickly. "I may not have seen it yet, but I believe you."

Astrid considered being offended, and decided against it, shrugging. "I guess it's easier to let go when you know there's someone there to take care of you," she said, and gave Hiccup a sweet smile.

Predictably, he melted, but still looked a little concerned. "But I'm not going to be there tonight, so..."

"...so we won't let ourselves go. I promise." She stepped forward to wrap her arms around him, and the next few moments were spent in a pleasant haze of kisses.

"What, uh, what time are you supposed to meet her?" Hiccup said when they finally pulled apart, resting his forehead against Astrid's.

"Hm?" Astrid murmured, her eyes still closed. "Oh, I don't know. Whenever."

Then, from outside, they heard a familiar voice yelling, "Yoohoo! Loverbirds!"

"...now, apparently." Astrid opened her eyes to look at Hiccup, then gave him a quick squeeze before stepping back. "And don't worry, we'll be careful."

"Okay," he said as he followed her outside. "But, uh, just in case..."

Astrid stopped and looked at him curiously. He ran his hand through his hair, then gestured to the dragon curled up lazily in front of the house. "...I told Toothless to be on standby to help you get home, if you need it. I mean like if Ruff passes out or anything, so you don't have to carry her yourself. 'Cause you I trust, but Ruff is..."

"Yes," Astrid agreed. She reached out and patted Toothless on the nose. "Thanks Toothless. We appreciate it."

"Girlfriend!" Ruffnut called from her position a little ways down the hill. When Astrid and Hiccup looked at her, she thrust her hands into the air and yelled, "PARTAAAYYY!"

"WOOOOOO!" Astrid screamed right back, hands in the air. When she looked back at Hiccup and Toothless, the dragon was wide awake, looking around in alarm, and Hiccup was staggering away with a 'Sweet Thor I'm deaf' look on his face. "Sorry," she said, then darted forward to press a couple quick kisses to Hiccup's ear and lips. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Bye." Hiccup gave her a half-hearted wave as she headed down the hill, rubbing at his ear with his other hand. Toothless just watched curiously.

* * *

Astrid was surprised to realize how much she needed this. As much as she loved spending time with Hiccup -- and the rest of the boys, of course -- there was something to be said about just cutting loose with her best friend. She didn't have to worry about Snotlout's increasingly obnoxious come-ons, Tuffnut's completely unintelligible mumbling and death-defying stunts, and either of Hiccup's feet -- both the large booted one and the smaller, harder metal one -- coming down on her toes in the middle of a dance. There was quite a lot to be said for that last one, because Astrid suspected dancing was one of those things that Hiccup not only couldn't do, but couldn't even learn to do. Which she didn't mind most of the time, really, but tonight she still appreciated dancing with a boy who knew what he was doing.

Although the current boy in question was getting entirely too fresh. His hands were creeping down over her hips (like she wouldn't notice _that_), and she pushed him away. He just sneered and pulled her closer. "What's the matter, baby? It ain't like your boyfriend's here."

Oh, the Hel with this. Before he knew what was happening, Astrid stomped on his toes, slammed her knee into his stomach, and finally punched him directly in the nose hard enough that twin trails of blood were momentarily suspended in the air as he fell backwards. He rolled around at her feet, groaning. "It's not my boyfriend you should be worried about," she told him with a mean little smirk.

Well. Some mead, a little dancing, and the chance to beat the crap out of somebody. Astrid could go home happy right now, but the night was still young.

Suddenly Ruffnut popped up out of nowhere and almost collapsed on top of her. She grabbed onto Astrid at the last minute and shot her a hazy grin.

"Oh man, Astrid, that was awesome! You totally rock!" She leaned over the still flattened boy (forcing Astrid to turn to keep from dropping her) and pointed at him. "In your FACE, loser! You don't mess with us!"

"You might want to slow down on the mead, Ruff," Astrid said, amused. "You're going to be laid out before midnight at this rate."

"Nah," Ruff said dismissively, finally standing her own two feet again. She looked at her empty tankard and frowned before tossing it carelessly to the side and snatching two more out of some unfortunate schmuck's hands. One she drank from deeply; the other she thrust out towards Astrid.

"Pass," Astrid said, taking it and handing it off to a random passerby.

"What? Come on, you've hardly had anything all night! I mean, look at me!" Ruffnut pointed at herself, with her slightly unfocused gaze and less than steady posture. "You gotta lot of catching up to do, sister!"

It probably wouldn't go over well to say that she had promised Hiccup she would behave herself, so instead she said, "Someone's got to get your drunk butt home at the end of the night."

Ruffnut snorted and gestured to herself. "Like your skinny ass could handle all this."

"You've got a point. Think Gobber would loan me a wheelbarrow, or should I go ahead and send for the longboat?"

Ruffnut swung at her, but Astrid dodged easily. "Well," she sniffed, "you may be a stick in the mud, but I plan on enjoying myself."

"Believe me, I didn't expect anything different. And if worse comes to worse, Hiccup said we could use Toothless for a ride home."

"Omigod, really?" Astrid started a bit at Ruffnut's excitement, until the other girl cupped her hands around her mouth and called, "Toothless! C'mere Toothless, come on boy!"

"Ruff," Astrid said as Ruffnut began to whistle, "I really don't think he's -- "

She was interrupted by a murmur going through the crowd, and she looked up to see Toothless sitting in one of the high windows, looking around the room. What, had Hiccup had him waiting outside the door or something? "...never mind," Astrid muttered as Ruffnut cheered.

"Look out! Night Fury!" someone yelled, and Toothless, recognizing the game, hopped down and bounced off several laughing, inebriated villagers before coming to a stop at Astrid's feet.

"Hey buddy!" Ruffnut said happily, crouching down in front of Toothless. The dragon leaned back slightly and flattened his ears (or whatever they were -- Astrid really had to ask Hiccup about that) in suspicion. He got along with the villagers okay, but was still wary when someone interacted with him directly, especially if Hiccup wasn't there. Ruffnut, who was now wearing her customary wicked grin, held the mostly full tankard out to him. "You thirsty, Toothless?"

"Okay, _what_ are you doing?" Astrid asked even as Toothless sniffed the tankard cautiously and began lapping.

"What do you think? He's a hero, isn't he, and he never got a chance to celebrate properly. Hiccup's always all, 'Oh, we don't know enough about their digestive systems' and 'it might mess up their internal sense of navigation' and blah blah blah. I think the town hero deserves a treat." Ruffnut fell backwards with a slight 'oof' as Toothless pushed his face against the tankard, trying to lap up the alcohol in the bottom. Ruffnut laughed, and Astrid couldn't help but join her. "See, he likes it! Hey, how much mead do you think it takes to get a Night Fury wasted anyway?"

"I don't know, but I'm guessing a lot," Astrid said, looking at the large beast beside her. "More than we have at the bar, anyway."

"Oh well," Ruffnut said with a shrug, and patted Toothless on the head. He let her. "We'll give it our best try, anyway."

"Ruff, I really don't think this is a good -- "

"Boy, he has you whipped, doesn't he?" Ruffnut looked up at Astrid, one eyebrow raised in challenge. Astrid's back went ramrod straight, and Ruffnut smiled.

* * *

Astrid had been both right and wrong. She was right in that it took a lot of mead to get a creature as large as a Night Fury drunk. However, she had grossly underestimated both the amount of mead kept on hand at the bar, and the propensity of the villagers to pour it down the throat of what Ruffnut kept reminding everyone was the "town hero."

Everyone had different personalities when they were drunk. Astrid, for example, knew that she was a pretty good-natured drunk, more giggly and less easy to offend than usual. Ruffnut got progressively louder as she drank, until at some point she started groping anything that moved. Hiccup could remain perfectly lucid, right up until he passes out face-first in his mead and won't awake until the following day.

When Toothless was drunk, she found, he apparently liked to dance (fair enough, so did she). So what Astrid was left with was a tipsy dragon who was continually pushing himself up on his back two legs and taking a few staggering, loopy steps (that actually looked oddly graceful) before he crashed into the ground. At least he was making an odd, breathy sound that seemed kinda like laughter, so Astrid wasn't worried he was hurting himself.

"He's gonna crush someone," she said as Ruffnut walked up, but the other girl looked to out of it to properly reply.

Then Ruffnut pointed and said, "Ha!" Astrid turned back around and saw that, impossibly, two of the largest men in the room had grabbed Toothless, slinging a front leg over each of their shoulders, and were performing some sort of dance. More Vikings lined up on either side of the men, and soon they had a whole line going. Toothless looked like he was having the time of his life.

"Wow," Astrid said. "Okay, I think that's enough mead for..." but when she turned to Ruffnut her friend was already gone. Astrid looked around and saw her in the dance line, participating enthusiastically.

"Mead?" Astrid looked around. The barmaid was holding a tray full of tankards out to her, and Astrid waved her away.

"I better not," she said with a sigh. "Odin knows one of us has to remain lucid."

* * *

"Come on, you know you enjoyed that."

"Yes, it was very amusing, but he's seriously going to crush someone, so let's try to keep him on all fours."

"Fine, fine." Ruffnut took another sip of her mead. "I didn't think he'd go all loopy on me so early though. Dash holds his alcohol way better."

"Wait," Astrid said, waving her hands, "you've gotten your dragon drunk?"

"Yep!" Ruffnut said, looking downright proud. "The fun part though is that he and Scabber share a stomach, so if one of 'em gets drunk, the other gets drunk. So me and Dash are behind a rock and I'm just pouring mead down his throat, and Scabber starts goin' like 'Woooo!' and Tuff is all, 'Whut?'"

"I can imagine."

"And then Scabber burped and flames shot out!"

Astrid's eyes widened, and she fervently hoped the flaming breath was a product of Scabber's unique sparking mechanism, and not something shared by all dragons. "Lemme guess: right into Tuff's face?"

"That was the best part!" Ruffnut laughed uproariously. Just then Toothless stumbled his way over to them and, after looking at both girls, dropped his head into Ruffnut's lap. "Well there's the lord of the dance!"

Astrid leaned down close so that she could scratch Toothless's chin. "You doing all right, buddy?"

Toothless turned and looked at her for a few seconds, then opened his mouth and licked the entire side of her face.

"Ah, Toothless!" Astrid wiped at the salivia that covered her from forehead to chin as Ruffnut laughed. "Oh, gross! Bad dragon."

"Aw, that just means he likes ya," Ruffnut said, then got an evil grin. Before Astrid could even think of asking, Ruffnut grabbed her head and licked the side of the face Toothless had missed.

"GWA -- RUFFNUT!"

But the other girl was already darting away. "Run Toothless!" she cried, and the dragon happily chased after his new best friend, knocking several Vikings down as he went. Astrid glared after them, then went to find a napkin.

* * *

"Toothless, come back here!"

Toothless ignored her of course, and continued bounding around the bar, looking for his next drink. He finally stopped in front of a woman Astrid recognized as working in the bakery.

"Well hello there!" the woman said, and held her drink teasingly over Toothless's head. He crouched underneath it, jaws open. "Do you want a sip?"

Astrid finally caught up to him and placed her hand on his back. "I think he's had enough, really."

"Oh, nonsense. He's earned it. Haven't you, Toothless?"

Toothless, apparently having decided he'd wanted long enough for his treat, reached up and crushed the entire tankard in his jaws. "Oh!" the woman cried, pulling her hand back (it looked like she still had all her fingers, Astrid was relieved to see).

"Toothless, no! We don't eat tankards!"

"Oh, quit your fussing," the woman said. "A little mead never hurt anyone."

Privately Astrid thought they had passed 'a little' hours ago, but she said, "It's not the mead I'm worried about, it's the tankard."

Apparently she shouldn't have worried, because Toothless was making an odd sound with his throat. When she looked back at him, he spat the wooden remains of the tankard onto her boot. She looked at the mess on her boot, then looked at the dragon. "Really, Toothless? Really?"

He gave her a goofy grin, and she sighed. Then she heard: "Get off him, you tramp!"

Well. Three guesses as to who _that_ applied to.

Astrid weaved her way through the crowd in time to see a girl around their age shoving Ruffnut off a boy's lap. Ruff hit the ground hard, but immediatley leapt to her feet, itching for a fight. "You wanna make something of it, blondie?" she retorted, and Astrid was really going to have to teach her that wasn't an appropriate insult for her to make one day.

"Maybe I do!" Blondie said, stepping forward. On another night she would have found the scene amusing, but tonight she was (unfortunately, tragically) sober, and she really didn't have time to babysit both Ruff and Toothless, so she stepped between the girls.

"All right ladies, let's break it up."

"What lady? I don't see any _lady_ here," Blondie said.

"Oh, like you can talk," Ruffnut said, gesturing to the girl's distractingly tight and lowcut top. "Did your breasts need some fresh air?"

"Ruffnut, cut it out."

"At least I have something to show. Are you tired of being mistaken for your brother all the time, or are you used to it by now?"

Ruffnut snarled and leapt at the laughing girl, and it took all of Astrid's strength to hold her back. "All right, _look_," Astrid snarled, rounding on the girl, "I don't know what you're thinking, but this chick -- " she jerked her thumb over her shoulder at Ruffnut " -- is completely pyscho, and she can hand your ass to you ten ways to Sun's Day without breaking a sweat. So if you one single ounce of self-preservation in that vapid space you call a head, you will BACK. OFF. And _you_," she whipped her head around to glare at the boy, who had been watching the proceedings with a distinct sense of delight, "you wipe that smug look off your face this instant or I swear I will use your skull as a coffee mug."

The boy paled, and both he and his girlfriend scurried off. If she had been drunk that probably would have been incredibly satisfying, but as it was she was just aggravated. She turned around to see Ruffnut grinning at her widely.

"My hero!" Ruff cried, and threw her arms around Astrid's shoulders.

"Yes, yes," Astrid said, patting her back. "Please do me a favor and try not to grope anyone else tonight?"

"'Kay. Can I grope you?"

"Please don't."

"'Kay."

Astrid sighed again, and looked around. "Wait, where's Toothless?"

* * *

How the Hel did you lose a dragon? It's not like it was a Terrible Terror, he was a _Night Fury_. But Astrid had looked high and low and -- oh, there he was. Looking...upset?

Toothless threw himself behind Astrid, sobbing. She had had no idea dragons could cry, much less brawl like a baby. Just then Ruffnut ran up to her, her eyes wild and bloodshot. At the sight of her Toothless wailed and buried his head in his paws.

"Look, look Astrid, look, look at me -- " Ruffnut was saying with a panicked expression on her face.

"Ruffnut..." Astrid growled.

Ruffnut gestured wildly. "I didn't do _anything_, I SWEAR! He, he's just stensa -- sensata -- _shensative!_"

Astrid fixed her gaze resolutely at a point in the distance and silently asked the gods for strength.

* * *

"Toothless! Why is the bar on fire?"

"Mmrrr?"

"I blame trolls."

"Shut up, Ruff."

* * *

"Toothless, stop eating the torches! Those are not food!"

Toothless turned to look at her, then narrowed his eyes and started growling. Astrid put her hands on her hips and glared right back. She was in no mood.

After a few seconds Toothless's eyes suddenly watered, his lips trembled, and then he was bawling.

"Oh, nice goin', jerk," Ruffnut said, weaving in place next to Astrid. "You hurt tha poor guy's feelings. What'd ya do that for?"

"Me? What about earlier when you -- "

Ruffnut raised a hand to cut her off. "I don't have time t'listen to yer problems, Astrid. I'm gonna go check on Toothless." And with that she staggered off.

Astrid tried very, very hard not to scream.

* * *

Sometime between finding Ruffnut's pants inexplicably in the middle of the dance floor and noticing Toothless hanging by his tail from a beam that almost certainly couldn't support his weight, Astrid realized she had lost control of the situation.

Okay. First order of business, get Toothless off that beam. Second order of business, find Ruffnut and --

_Craaaaaaack..._*whoosh* **BOOM!** "RAWWWR!"

...okay, _first_ order of business, find Ruffnut and get her damn pants back on. Then collect Toothless and get the Hel out of there. As much of a ruckus as Ruffnut usually caused, it couldn't take all that long to find her.

"Twin!"

Case in point. "For the love of Baldr," Astrid muttered, not even having to look up. Apparently Ruffnut had decided to continue what had become a tradition of at least one Thorston twin climbing the chandelier at every major function involving alcohol. And sure enough, there she was, swinging back and forth and waving at her fans as they cheered wildly. Toothless, apparently wanting in on the action, jumped from bar to wall to support beam so that he was on Ruffnut's level. At least that one looked sturdier.

"Woooo!" Ruffnut cried, throwing her fist in the air and leaning back. Leaning much too far back, in fact, and Astrid winced as she hit the ground. She didn't look any worse for the wear (she had certainly taken that particular tumble enough times already) but when Astrid looked up she saw Toothless leaning over his own perch, looking at them, and then -- _oh shit_, he was falling --

"Ruff, look out!" but Toothless hit the ground before Astrid could so much as move. She squeezed her eyes shut at the impact, then very cautiously opened them.

Toothless was standing on all fours, looking very unsteady, with Ruffnut flat on the ground directly underneath him. Astrid sighed in relief, then darted forward.

"Whu?" Ruffnut said groggily as Astrid grabbed her collar and dragged her out from under Toothless, just before the dragon collapsed onto his stomach, groaning.

She shoved Ruffnut's pants against the girl's chest. "We are leaving," she hissed.

"Awright, awright, fine. Killjoy," Ruffnut mumbled. It took every ounce of strength Astrid possessed to keep her hands off Ruffnut's neck.

* * *

In the end Astrid had to help Ruffnut back into her pants. She realized they were on backwards halfway into it, but she so _did not care_ at this point. And so much for Toothless helping them home. He was walking on all fours now, which was an improvement, but he still weaved erratically.

She huffed as she adjusted Ruffnut's arm around her shoulders and her grip on Ruffnut's waist. "Astrid, you're my best friend," the other girl slurred happily. "I love you."

"I hate you. I really, really do."

Ruffnut gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek, and Astrid sighed. Just then Toothless took a wrong step and stumbled, bumping into the girls. Astrid managed to stay on her feet -- barely -- but Ruffnut hit the dirt, giggling.

"Careful!" she admonished Toothless. Then she turned to her friend, sighed, and crouched down. "All right Ruff, you gotta help me out here," she said, and tried to get the girl back on her feet.

After a dozen or so false starts, Astrid finally growled, leaned down, and threw Ruffnut over her shoulder. "Woo!" Ruffnut yelled, and slapped Astrid's ass.

Astrid's entire body stiffened. "Ruffnut, I swear by Thor's hammer that I will drop you on your head if you touch me one more time."

Ruffnut didn't respond. Maybe she had finally passed out. Wouldn't that be nice?

After what felt like an eternity of staggering under Ruffnut's weight, Astrid and Toothless finally made it to the Thorston house. Disregarding the late hour, she banged on the door as loudly as she could. A few moments later a groggy Tuffnut opened it. "Wuz goin' on?" he asked.

Astrid grabbed Ruffnut and hefted her at Tuff with a grunt. One twin collided with the other and they both spilled to the floor, Tuffnut crying out. Astrid slammed the door. Behind it she heard the sound of retching followed by, "Oh, _gross_, GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME!"

She closed her eyes and bowed her head with a sigh, steeling herself for the next part of the journey. "Okay Toothless...Toothless?"

Astrid glanced quickly around, panicked, and saw Toothless climbing a nearby fence. When he reached the top he crouched down and did that full-body wiggle that Astrid recognized as meaning he was about to take off.

"No Toothless, wait!" The dragon leapt into the air and in short order hit the side of the bakery, the ground, and the top of a barn, in that order. Astrid winced as he took out a rooftop figurehead with a, "Groawr!" then glanced back at the door, where she could still hear the twins struggling. She finally threw her hands up in surrender, turned on her heel, and walked quickly home.

* * *

The next day Astrid made sure Stoick had left before cautiously opening the door to Hiccup's house.

Toothless was lying in the back of the building, directly in sight of the doorway, with Hiccup kneeling at his side. As the light hit his face one black wing shot up to block it, and Astrid was pretty sure she heard him hiss.

"Sorry," she said, and quickly stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Hiccup looked up to acknowledge her, but then turned his attention back to the dragon who was lowering his wing and moaning pitifully.

Astrid approached them as quietly as she could. Toothless was sprawled out on his belly, his limbs splayed out, looking very undignified. Hiccup had a bucket of water and was coaxing him, "Come on, buddy. I promise it'll make you feel better."

Toothless made a pathetic sound, then carefully lifted his head and lapped at the water. When Hiccup was satisfied with his start, he set the bucket down and finally looked up at Astrid. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

Astrid bit her lip, looked at Toothless, and then looked back at Hiccup. "I blame Ruffnut," she said.

"I accept that," Hiccup said with a small, exasperated smile. Astrid allowed herself a tiny sigh of relief.

"By the gods," she groaned, and walked forward to collapse into a sitting position next to Hiccup. "I had no idea she would be so..."

"Rough?"

"Ha ha." Astrid reached out and very gently stroked Toothless's snout. "Now I know why I drink so much when we go out. If I have to do that again and remain sober, I think I'll throttle her." She paused. "Am I that bad when I'm drunk?"

"As bad as Ruffnut? No," Hiccup said, waving his hand dismissively. "I'm pretty sure the only person one the island who even comes close to a drunk Ruffnut is Tuffnut, and he's even worse. You're, really, you're fine."

"Hmm." She studied him closely. "Are you telling the truth?"

"Well," Hiccup shrugged, "as far as you know, I am."

Astrid socked him playfully on the shoulder, and he chuckled. Toothless finished the water and dropped his head, groaning again. "Aw, I'm sorry, Toothless," Astrid said, reaching out to stroke his head again. "That's just what happens when you have too much mead. If it makes you feel any better, Ruffnut probably has it just as bad."

At that exact instant the window in front of Toothless swung open and the girl in question poked her head through. "Hey there, people!" Ruffnut cried, looking altogether much too chipper and refreshed. "And how are we this morning?"

Astrid stared at Hiccup. Hiccup stared back. "How does she _do_ that?" Astrid asked.

"I think they have some kind of a sixth sense."

"I meant the timing."

"So did I. Irritating people is their specialty, after all."

Toothless was growling at Ruffnut, his eyes narrowed against the light. "Aww," she drawled, bracing her hands against the window and leaning so far inside her feet had to have left the ground, "is the poor widdle dwagon a widdle hung over, huh? The incredible Night Fury can't handle his mead?"

Toothless was growling even louder, and Hiccup laid a placating arm around his neck as Astrid said, "Knock it off, Ruff."

"S'not my fault he's a lightweight," Ruffnut said, and laughed.

That did it. Toothless's eyes widened, his pupils narrowed, and his mouth opened dangerously wide.

"No, Toothless, _no_ -- no fire, NO FIRE!"


End file.
